How Far And How Long
by Pedellea
Summary: Faith reflects on her partnership and friendship with Bosco in the aftermath of not backing him up. Companion piece to Too Tired To Fight.


**TITLE**: How Far And How Long   
**AUTHOR**: Pedellea   
**E-MAIL**: pedellea@hotmail.com   
**DATE**: January 10, 2002   
**RATING**: PG   
**SUMMARY**: Faith reflects on her partnership and friendship with Bosco in the aftermath of not backing him up. Companion piece to Too Tired To Fight.   
**SPOILERS**: Sex, Lies & Videotape   
**DISCLAIMER**: Third Watch belongs to John Wells Production and Warner Brothers. "How You Remind Me" is Nickelback's. There you are. Short and sweet.   
**AUTHOR'S NOTES**: I LOVED SL&V! It is one of Third Watch's best episodes, IMO. Naturally, being the post-ep fic writing lover that I have become, I had to write something about this episode. There is a companion piece to this story, "Too Tired To Fight", which view the events from Bosco's standpoint. 

The snippets of song is from the song "How You Remind Me", which was actually used in "Childhood Memories" - I thought the lyrics were rather appropriate for the events that happened to Bosco and Faith in "Sex, Lies & Videotape". May I mention that Nickelback is a Canadian band (go CANUCKS!!!). Oh, and for the record, I cut and paste the lyrics from the song... the entire lyrics aren't there. 

Anyways, as the caf ladies used to say, enn-joyyy! Oh, and don't forget to send some feedback! 

* * *

Never made it as a wise man   
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing   
Tired of living like a blind man   
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling   
And this is how you remind me   
This is how you remind me   
Of what I really am   
This is how you remind me   
Of what I really am... 

It's not like you didn't know that   
I said I love you and I swear I still do   
And it must have been so bad   
Cause living with me must have damn near killed you 

And this is how you remind me   
Of what I really am   
This is how you remind me   
Of what I really am... 

From "How You Remind Me" - Nickelback 

* * *

**HOW FAR AND HOW LONG   
By Pedellea**

I am so very sorry. Sorry I never told you that I had a life threatening disease that almost killed you as a result. God, how could I have been so selfish? 

I thought I was being smart in not telling you. You know, not dumping the junk from my life on you - you've got enough to deal with as it is. 

But what an idiot I've been. Watching you lie crumpled and motionless at the doorway after hearing multiple gunshots made me so terrified that I somehow seriously screwed up in my planning. I kept thinking, "Oh my God, he's dead because of me!", over and over as I tried to reason with the man who hurt you so badly... it was so hard trying to contain the tears. 

When it was all over, I was so relieved that my hand came out with no blood when I felt your chest. I thank God immensely for that - He spared you, and I am so grateful that I have a chance to make it up to you. 

Then I realized it was time to tell you about my cancer. I was so scared of what your reaction would be. I didn't want to lose your partnership, your friendship that I now realize I preciously treasure. As much as you are a pain in the neck to be with sometimes, what would I do without you? 

You brushing off the whole incident made me even guiltier. By no means am I blaming my guilt on you - I deserve to feel guilty. I nearly caused your death, and yet you, being the understanding and selfless partner that you are, chose to not hang on to the mistake I made. 

Well, maybe you were avoiding the subject because you nearly died and refuse to accept that I had some reason for not backing you up. Be rest assured, Bosco, never would I voluntarily choose to not do so. You are too good of a partner to loose. But I do have a reason for not backing you up - a reason I am now too ashamed to have kept from you. 

When I finally told you, you stayed calm. Unnaturally calm. You gave me your immediate reaction and that I should take some days off - that was it. You didn't blow up in my face, didn't storm out in anger. Just said take some days off, and turned and left me alone to watch you limp painfully out of the room. I'm sure you have all your anger bottled up inside, but having gone through so much in one day, I understand that you were too tired to deal with all this crap I've laid on you. 

To have almost killed you... I can hear you screaming for me now. Loud and clear... and desperate. 

God, how far was I going to take this whole delusion of mine, thinking I could not tell my partner and friend about a serious disease that was ailing me? How long did I think I could keep you from knowing that I had breast cancer? 

I realize now that you could be the one dying before me - me, the one with a life-threatening disease - and I shudder at that horrible thought. 

The tears I withheld when I reasoned with your shooter - they flow quickly down now. Fred holds me now as I cry, telling me it's all okay. 

But it's not okay. How can letting your partner walk into total danger, knowing that you could have lessened the danger be okay? It's not okay. It will never be okay. 

I fear not for my life now, but for losing yours. Not just in the physical sense, but emotionally, even spiritually. Today was the day that I cut the cords of trust we had slowly built over the years that we have been partners. 

But there is yet another day. Maybe there is still one single line that connects you and I together. It may be fragile, but I'm still holding on to the hope that you still consider me a partner, but most of all, a friend who you can trust. 

**THE END**

* * *

May I mention again how much I enjoyed SL&V! I am looking forward to see how Bosco and Faith's relationship will now develop... I surely hope they ride out the waves and stay partners! 

Anyways, please do let me know what you thought of this story, and don't hesitate to read the companion piece, "Too Tired To Fight"! 

Feedback is always apreciated!!! Please send it to pedellea@hotmail.com. Thanks a bunch!   
Please visit my fanfic page: http://www.geocities.com/phunwuns/Fanfic/ 


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